So, life dealt you a break up. But that doesn’t mean you have to break down. Author and life coach Jane Straus shares five easy steps to a whole new you. Yes, even if—especially if–your heart just snapped in two yesterday.
1. Have a pity party
2. Recognize that rejection is a myth
3. Give yourself the love you want to get. Right now
4. Release your resentment
5. (Re)Inspire yourself
When a relationship ends, you have a right to grieve. Though it’s never fun, mourning the loss of love is necessary to move past the pain. If you beat yourself up for feeling sad, you’ll only hinder the healing process. Invest in some Kleenex, then go easy on yourself. It’s time to practice compassion for the most important person right now: You. You can even turn it into a party—a pity party. But this is an exclusive affair. Invite only your closest, most trusted friends, give them a few ground rules, and let the festivities begin!
Rules for conducting a pity party properly:
- You are to be given one full hour to whine, cry, or complain. Within these 60 minutes you can poke fun at your ex’s receding hairline, unhealthy attachment to his mother, or inability to remember even the smallest details about your life—like, say, your birthday.
- Your friends will do nothing more than support you—this means listening only. They will not join in on the name-calling (if they do, you may find yourself wondering why they refrained from telling you their true feelings earlier).
- After the hour is up, your friends will tell you, one by one, everything that they love, admire—and even envy—about you. One person acts as scribe, recording it for posterity. Keep this list in easy proximity—it will be a reliable ego booster on hard days.
- When—and only when—you understand that you are not your relationship, you can ceremoniously burn a picture (or all pictures if you’re ready) of your ex with your friends as witnesses.
- Ashes to ashes, exes to dust: As the photo burns, repeat the affirmation: “I release this relationship for my own health and wellbeing. Someone better awaits me.” Your friends then say “Amen,” or “Right on,” or “So be it,” depending on your style.
2. Recognize that rejection is a myth
Everyone has experienced rejection, but can someone reject you without your permission? If you believe you’re smart and someone calls you “stupid,” you don’t instantly lose IQ points. The same goes for rejection. If you refuse to judge yourself, someone else’s judgment won’t stick to you. So if you feel rejected, you must be rejecting yourself in some way. And yet, relationships end for many reasons—perfectly banal, ordinary reasons; The two of you may have been too similar or too different, from a red state and a blue state—but if you pile on self-criticism, calling yourself ugly or unlovable, you may be lying about why the relationship really ended. The bottom line: Stay on your own team. Whether you’re dating or looking, stop listing the reasons why someone shouldn’t love you. It’s a waste of time and saps what you’ve got in spades right now: the potential for a great relationship in the future.
3. Give yourself the love you want to get. Right now
Once you stop sabotaging yourself, start loving yourself actively. Do more of what you enjoy. Challenge yourself intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. What might that look like? Maybe enrolling in a class at your local college, going on a challenging hike, finally taking up meditation. It definitely involves taking risks that will build your self-esteem. Doing something that scares you. And picking out emotional role models: People whose enthusiasm, intelligence or sense of humor inspires you. Then remember, “if you spot it, you got it”—you wouldn’t see the trait in someone else if it wasn’t already within you. Nurture that part of yourself, and soon you’ll become your most extraordinary self. Then others will line up to bask in your glow.
Behind the resentment you hold towards your ex is resentment you are holding against yourself. Take the wife who resents her husband for buying a new car without asking her first: A part of her actually resents herself for not having the self-worth to let him know she deserves to be a part of such a big decision. The woman who resents her ex for cheating resents herself for not confronting him sooner when her intuition told her something was amiss. Uncover your resentment. Beneath it you’ll find fear, and when you do, you can confront it. Then you can strive to be as authentic and courageous as you can be, now and in your next relationship.
Many people believe that true happiness only comes from being with someone else. The longer we’re in a partnership, the more we may rely on our partner for our happiness and wind up losing our ability to create our own joy. Forgetting how to make ourselves happy will not only dull even the most vibrant relationship; it also makes a break up harder because we mistakenly believe that our source of happiness is gone. It’s not! Others cannot bestow inspiration upon us, not even Mr. Right. And it goes both ways: No one can take away our inspiration either. Ultimately, it is our responsibility to listen to our spirit, the source of our inspiration and happiness. That requires active self-reflection: What did you like doing before you met your last partner? What interests did you develop during the relationship? What environments—physical, intellectual, emotional—buoy your spirits? If you like island breezes, then maybe it’s time to plan a Bahamian escape. If you like the challenge of climbing snow-covered peaks, find ecstasy in riding your bike through tulip fields, or have always wanted to learn to make crème brulee, well, metaphorically speaking, it’s time to buy your torch. Remember that every day, single or partnered, grieving or celebrating, alone or not, we have the right to choose an extraordinary life for ourselves. All that is required is our willingness.
10 responses so far ↓
1 terry cobb // Apr 19, 2007 at 7:56 pm
It’s scary, having been married most of my adult life, But for the first time, I am flying solo. I’m finding out what I like, I don’t like, How I like to do things as an individual. Not a couple. I think it is making me a better person, and preparing me for future relationships
2 Nikki // May 13, 2007 at 9:31 am
This break up is still fresh, it’s only been about a week. It’s so hard to let go of a love that took four years to build and seconds to break. I just hope one day that I will be able to love again, because right now all I can think of is him.
3 Mare // Jun 6, 2007 at 6:04 pm
i break up 2 hours ago, he left me after 7 years, and just last week he told me, he moving in with me. How i feel? its not the end of the world, i loved before him and i will love again. I need some time to forget but that is just history and dosent exist in my life any more. Im just going to repeat dosent metter, my time is caming. after rain, sun rise.
4 peaches // Sep 4, 2007 at 10:12 am
It’s hard when you break up being in a relationship from teenage years to your adult years. I know that the marriage is over but I think he is a jerk because he is involved in a serious relationship with someone else and has not even filed for divorce. I am starting to realize how he is not as perfect as I made him to be or he portrayed himself. I now understand that I am attached becuase I never defined who I am just who he wanted me to be. I never rocked the boat when it came to doing things I enjoyed for fear it would upset him. This websit has been helpful in letting me know that I need to discover me. I know I have so many wonderful things to offer of myself, but I also now I have to take time to love myself.
5 Patrick // Sep 14, 2007 at 4:45 pm
she broke up with me few hrs ago,i have really invested in the 4 years relationship…everytime there is a misunderstanding…she comes up with ugly names that she calls me…i think she will not be a good wife and i am almost ready for marriage…that is why i am somewhat happy to let go…But where do i find the one i think would be a good wife…..where do i start from again?….i just hope i forget about her soon enough…i am social though so i think i can get over this in a week or two…send me an email if you have any ideas..
thanks
6 LDS // Oct 9, 2007 at 6:11 am
I broke up a week ago due to an infidelity that occured for the first time during the summer of 2006 and lasted until I found out. I’m having trouble letting go this 6years-relationship. He never broke it up because he says he still loved me but was confused. She was about to get married when it started and continued through her marriage with the affair.
I think that what I resent the most is knowing that he thinks highly of her depsite what she did with him to her husband.
7 Tish // Oct 26, 2007 at 8:40 am
We broke up about a week ago…and I’m really hurting. I don’t really know how to bounce back from this one. We don’t dislike each other he just doesn’t know what he wants. And I can’t help him figure that out…he has to want to be here.
8 nafisah // Oct 29, 2007 at 10:16 am
I left my ex boyfiend roughly 7.5 weeks ago after a seven and a half year physically, psychologically, sexually, religiously, and emotionally abusive relationship.We met in college .I am glad it’s over since i recently found out that he was in another relationship for five years out of the seven years with me as well as many other short term relationships.The strange thing is that the other girl was comfortable being in this sort of arrangement with him and it would seem that his plan for me was simply to use me for his academic gain which was what he said when we broke up in addition to threatening to murder me and committing suicide.Additionally, I found out that he was drugging me, slandering me with my professors,sabotaging my research projects,shaming me with my coworkers, friends and boss.For me the realisation of being intimately invoved with someone like him has made me totally afraid of being in another relationship.In a strange way i wanted to marry this person…it all seems weird. but now i know that he was the a psychopath that i met in lifetime whose sole aim was to destroy me !
9 WIgirl // Mar 4, 2008 at 8:22 pm
I agree with all this…I’m going through a break up and what I’m discovering is it isn’t about him. I’ve always made it about him and now it’s about me. For the past few weeks I’ve been distracted and focused by the girl he has to run to right after we broke up. And you know, I’m glad I don’t have anyone to run to. I know I will use this time for me and not for someone else. Thanks for solidifying and putting to words what I knew I should do and what is best for me. So far, I’m loving it!
10 Mandy // May 15, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Me and my boyfriend broke up on feb. 23rd so about 2 months ago and we still live together, go places together, still intimate, everything is the same except for the classification of “being together”, his truck isnt running for quite some time now because he just simply doesnt have the money to get it fixed and I take him to work, pick him up, bring him lunch and we still sleep together and he still holds me and everything. But what is killing me is the thought in the back of my mind is that he using me until he gets his truck fixed and then he will move into our guys friends house afterwards. I love him so much and we have been together for four years and we were best freinds for four years before we got together. So I m so confused, I dont know what to do or think or how to be. I wake up everyday thinking maybe today maybe he will want to get “back together”. Its been so hard because the only things that are different are that when he leaves to go somewhere he doesnt kiss me good bye anymore, and he hasnt said I love you in two months. And I cant even say it to him, I wait til he is asleep to tell him how much I love him and kiss him goodnight. I m so sad everyday and I miss him so much even though Im with him. I ve been trying to change and be better than how I was when we were together. I am literally tired, mentally and physically. I worry all the time about things that he does. I worry that he is going to call up his ex or find someone new. I try to motivate myself to leave and find someone new and move out and to lose weight and maybe get a second job. but no matter what i do i cant stop thinking about him. i dont know what to do anymore. he is my best friend and its not that i cant live without him i just dont want to. some of this that i have read helps a little but i dont know if i can do it. and what hurts the worst is that I have found underwear in his bathroom that were not mine. about 2 years or maybe three i found another 3 pairs in his bedroom before i moved in. that was part of the reason i moved in. but 2 years later i found three more in his bathroom. and its hurts so bad to think of him with somebody else. thats the reason i quit my job because i was working late when he was getting off early so i could be with him. the whole time when i traveled to work 30 minutes away I knew in my heart and in my head that he was cheating me. and everytime i would make up excuse to leave work early to get home at a time that he wouldnt expect so i could see for my own eyes that he was. but i never did. so i dont know what to do……if anybody could help me please give some advice to what to do. I miss him and i love so much and i am trying so hard. Please if anybody could help I would trully appreciate it. Thanks
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